Tuesday, September 28, 2004


Mallard may explode without warning


From Go-Quiz.com
Thank you to Third Daughter for alerting me to this online silliness!!!

Magical Name Acronym Generator


Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

(*) My Blog Degree

The University of Blogging

Presents to

An Honorary
Bachelor of
Self Portraiture

Majoring in
Attention Seeking
Dr. GoQuiz.com


Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com

(Check out this fun page of quizzes)

(*) Stoopid spam

"Pac-Man is Back!"
Play Pac-Man right on your PC - gte your free copy on CD NOW!

Deleted, of course! I'd prefer SPACE INVADERS - naturally!

(*) Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Diminishing:: youth
  2. Fed up:: election hype
  3. 3:00 AM:: insomnia
  4. Interfere:: paranoia
  5. Often:: itch
  6. Hay:: drought
  7. Prediction:: a lucky guess
  8. Homophobia:: scared of the unknown
  9. Booty call:: what the what...?
  10. Enunciate:: prop - er - ly

On This Day...
Born: Ed Sullivan (Tv guy, 1901); Peter Finch (Aussie actor, 1916).
Died: Harpo Marx (comedian, 1964); Miles Davis (jazz player, 1991); Herman Melville ('Moby Dick', 1891); WH Auden (poet, 1973).
Events: St Wenceslaus of Bohemia born!
My Soundtrack: Cold Chisel "East"

Mal (ie. Mallard the Quackers) :o)

"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

Monday, September 27, 2004

(*) Monday Madness

Name THREE of your........

1. Pet Peeves: liars, gossip, tv ads that repeat endlessly tv ads that repeat endlessly
tv ads that repeat endlessly
2. Favorite Sounds: the ocean, laughing children, wind in the trees
3. Desk Items: pen-holder, fishtank, red motorbike (a plastic toy...!)
4. Biggest Fears: dying alone, falling over backwards, staying the way I'm feeling now for much longer!
5. Biggest Challenges: befriending and trusting new friends, middle age, deteriorating health
6. Newest 'Toys': scanner, Beatles DVD, watering system
7. Most Used Words: and, if, d'oh!
8. Most Mispelled Words: resurrection, loopey, donlt
9. Favorite Disney Characters: Eeore, ...
10. Bookmarks on Your Homepage: Abebooks.com; footchair.blogspot.com; www.findagrave.org

On This Day...
Born: Avril Lavene (1984); Meat Loaf (1946)
Died: Rory Storme (and the Hurricanes) (1972); Gracie Fields (1979); Clara Bow (the "It" girl, 1965)

My Soundtrack: "Anthology 1" (Beatles); local radio


Mal (ie. Mallard the Quackers) :o)
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)

"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

Saturday, September 25, 2004

(*) 20 quick ones

Name 3 of your favorite.......
1. Colors - orange, purple, green
2. Pizza Toppings - bacon, cheese, brussel sprouts
3. Department Stores - Big W, Grace Bros, K-Mart
4. Flavors of Candy - orange, strawberry, lemonade
5. Scents of Candles - blueberry, lemon, citrus
6. Days of the Week - Saturday, Thursday, Friday
7. Vegetables - carrot, sweet potato, brussel sprout
8. Fruits - banana, orange, green grapes
9. Meals to cook - chicken & mushrooms, spaghetti bolognaise, sandwich surprise
10. Kitchen Gadgets - can opener, rubber can-lid opener, frypan
11. Olympic Sports - rowing, sailing, track.

1. What's "it" all about, anyway? - be happy and content with what you have.
2. What radical political ideas do you have, if any? - party politics are a joke.
3. Do you believe that you 'fit' the profile of your astrological star sign? - about 75%.
4. Will blogging survive 2005 or is it a fad? - hmmm, I'll let you know in 2006!
5. Do you Ebay? If so, what and how often? Is it a full-time job, part-time hobby, or just to clear the junk from your house? - never used Ebay.
6. True or False: When I vote, I am all for one party. - false.
7. Meat or veggie sauce on your spaghetti? - meat!
8. Would you ever be on a TV Reality Show? - no way!
9. What is one thing (or place) that you would like to do (or see) that you have not yet done (or seen?) - watch a sunSET over the ocean (preferably with someone I really care about).
10. Do you answer memes honestly? - what on earth is 'memes'?!?

Mal :o)

(*) Mobile battery going well

That mobile battery is wonderful! I really HAD forgotten what it was like to have a battery that actually holds its' charge for such a long time! Whoo hoo!
(See my previous post about my battery here:
http://maljam.blogspot.com/2004/09/battery-arrives.html )
The weather has been glorious this week. Spring has sprung with a vengeance! I was even inspired to plant a small flowering shrub in the driveway garden yesterday arvo, as well as check the driveway garden sprinkler system was working efficiently and effectively. All this sunshine (and a bit of rain along the way... a little rain, not much tho! It's still a drought out here, you know!) is making the backyard grass multiply in alarming proportions. The whipper snipper came into play yesterday evening - result: Snipper 1 ~ Grass 0. Maybe it's the warmer weather, but I even baked a chocolate cake yesterday as well! Gawd - what's happening to me?!? And the vacuuming, and the mopping - I even washed my curtains! Argh!

At least the eczema has settled down a bit today - thank gawd.

On This Day...
Born: Mark Hamill (Star Wars) 1952; William Faulkner (author) 1887;
Fletcher Christian (Mutiny on the Bounty) 1764.
Died: John Bonham (Led Zeppelin's drummer) 1980.
Events: Chubby Checker's "The Twist" No. 1 in 1960.
My Soundtrack: local radio - the footy previews!

On This Day (yesterday...)...
Born: Gerry Marsden (Gerry & the Pacemakers) 1942; Jim Henson
(Muppets) 1936; Linda McCartney (Wings & the late Mrs Paul McC)
1942; F. Scott Fitzgerald (author) 1869; Garth Porter (Sherbet).
Died: Dr Seuss 1991 - a great loss!!!!!!!!!!


Mal (ie. Mallard the Quackers) :o)
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the
oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

(*) Friday after Thursday before Saturday

I say ... and you think ... ?
  1. Pointless:: telemarketing evangelism
  2. Sadistic:: teenage girls in shorts
  3. Bunny:: Souths
  4. Betrayal:: churchianity
  5. Oliver:: Fitz-...
  6. Star Wars:: Wookie
  7. Let it ride:: Rev it up, little boy and...
  8. Ray of light:: Sunrise
  9. Tight:: bank manager
  10. Gadget:: sciccors

1. My toilet is the most used piece of furniture in my house.
2. The one electronic 'gadget' that I use most often is my puter mouse.
3. My favorite appliance, and the one I absolutely cannot live without is the fridge.
4. One thing that I thought I just HAD to have at one time, and I now barely ever use, is my hat with sleeves.
5. I find it easiest to keep in touch with family and friends via email.
6. I own more cd's (or other music media) than I do sox.
7. All my important addresses are stored in/on my address list on my desk.
8. If I had to live without TWO keys on my keyboard, I would choose 'End' & 'Print Screen'.
9. I probably own about 2 pieces of software that I haven't used in years.
10. There are a few food items that I try NEVER to run out of, and those would be milk.

(Thanx to Third Daughter for alerting me to these pieces of loopiness!)

Mal :o)

Thursday, September 23, 2004

(*) Thursday is before Friday and after Wednesday

I heard some sad news this week. An old lady who'd been a great friend and associate in my past has passed away. She was one of those people who just leave their positive mark on you. Fran was an elderly lady (in her 80's), but she always had the time to stop and listen and say hello to people. She was a great encourager, and she would always call you by your name. She had a great dimension of always wanting to keep moving forward on her lifes' journey, even though she had all the right to sit back and relax during her autumnal years. She'd lived a full and active life, but was always seeking to do what 'the Lord' wanted her to do, each single day. A special lady. Words don't cut it to describe the effect this lady had on not only me, but many many people I also knew over the years. Her funeral was held at the church I used to attend back in Sydney years' ago, and by all accounts it was packed. It was a combination of a sad and joyous occasion. Fran was well loved and will be greatly missed by many people, but those of us who knew her know that she lived for 'the life to come', and for those who think of such things are greatly comforted that she's having a wow of a time right now - where she always knew she was headed. Fran - thank you for your life of simple obedience, caring and kindness. I'll miss you. And I know I'm not alone in that thought either.

On a total change of tack... I got back my tax assessment notice today. You always swallow when you see the envelope. you don't really know what the taxmans' gonna pull on you sometimes, no matter how simple or well planned out you are with your tax calculations. Anyway - it came back exactly as I'd calculated - nil! Whew!

Again, let's change direction yet again... living with my housemate can be fun for most of the time (when she's not stressed about the clowns at her work, poor thing). We both have a 'zany' whacko sense of humour (as if you couldn't imagine), but in lots of ways we are chalk-and-cheese too. Like the DVD's we choose to watch. She's into Quinton Tarantino movies - she got herself 'Kill Bill' the other day. Good on her, it's just that I'm not into those kinda things. That's cool. In this place, we go from one extreme to the other. She's watching "Kill Bill", and what am I watching? "The Sound of Music"!!!! hahahahahaaaaa! Talk about the opposite ends of the spectrum! hahahahaa! But then, she taped "Mary Poppins" off the TV the other week, so - go figure! hahahaa!

The eczema is better today - go figure! (gees, I hate those Americanisms! Shutting up now!)
On This Day...
Births: Ray Charles (1932); Bruce Springsteen (1949); Mickey Rooney (1920); Jason Alexander (1959).
Events: Autumn Equinox - (ie. all the chickens become moose for a day).
My Soundtrack: "Strange Brew" - Cream; "33 1/3" - John Farnham.

Mal  :o)
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell) 
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

(*) News blog page

I've changed this blog a little bit (again! lol). Instead of posting the funny, bizarre and funny news stories I stumble across, from now on I'll be adding them to this blog here. I want this one here to be my 'main' blog (as such), and the other two (Foot'n'Chair and Silly News) can be like extra ones. Feel free to check them out anytime.
Silly News

Mal :o)

(*) Eczema Awareness Week 2004

Eczema Awareness Week 2004 - Sunday 19 to Saturday 25 September 2004

The Eczema Association of Australasia Inc's (EAA) educational site offering you practical information about living with or caring for someone with eczema.

This website has been designed to assist:

* People who think they may have eczema
* People who have been formally diagnosed with eczema by a medical practitioner and wish to learn more about the skin disease and how to better manage and treat their symptoms
* Carers of toddlers/children or people with eczema
* Others who wish to improve their understanding of this often debilitating skin disease.

The site contains general information about eczema, its prevalence, symptoms and potential causes. It features pictures of eczema and real life stories from eczema sufferers, including Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister and newly appointed Patron to the Eczema Association of Australasia, the Hon. Jackie Kelly MP, who suffered from eczema as a child.

This site also outlines further information and support available, ranging from eczema-related organisations and support groups world-wide, to a unique 'skin condition information service.' It also features information about treatments available from Australasian-based eczema product manufacturers.

By simply visiting this site, you've taken the first step towards becoming "eczema educated."

Thank you for your interest and best of luck on your journey towards better health.

The Eczema Association of Australasia

I've suffered from recurring eczema in my scalp for about 4 years' now. It's annoying - it comes and goes for no apparent reason, tho I personally think a combo of stress and diet has something to do with it for me. My scalp gets very sore, with itchy weeping sores. Over the years of suffering this (I never had eczema as a kid), parts of my hair have fallen out (just from constant scratching - more of a habit now than anything). But there's still plenty of hair up there, folks! The most annoying this is that there's no 'ready solution' to get rid of it - I've spent and wasted $$$ trying to find good ointments, creams, lotions and shampoos. The cream my GP prescribes lasts about 2 months, and seems to bring only a temporary relief during that time. It's not a contageous thing, but it's more embarrasing than anything - there are days when my scalp feels so sore that I won't go out in public without a hat!

Mal :o)

Monday, September 20, 2004

(*) Another response

I wrote a long email to an old friend the other day, in response to the way I reacted to their not really appreciating the whole blog/email/chat thingy re. communicating your feelings that I've been using so much over the last period of time. He asked what happened between 'Ex' and I. Here's an extract from it. (Names and places have been changed to protect the flummerworten... lol)
" Please accept my most humble apologies for the generic emails of late - life's been a bit nutty about here recently (as if that's some kind of excuse). And yes, the language is changing viz. emails and blogging and chat etc etc, whether we like it or not. I've been communicating with people online for about five years now, and I'm just very comfortable with that form of interrelating. Well, that's just the way it is for me, right or wrong! I'm a Baby-Boomer/Baby-Buster mixing it up with Generation-Y! (I'm not writing to create art here, I'm just writing to put feelings down. If somebody reads and responds, that's nice. If not, that's nice too).

What happened to Ex and I? The easiest way to say it is that - I went mad, and she couldn't live with that, and decided to walk away rather than walk with me and help me through it. That's life - it's shitty, but that's the way things work out when you trust people to be there for you! She divorced me, I resigned from all ministry, I suffered through two nervous breakdowns, I was falsely accused and then wrongfully arrested in relation to child-related matters (since all cleared up), and to top it all off the local church decided gossip was a good means of disseminating versions of the truth. Needless to say, nowadays I loathe anything to do with Churchianity. If anyone tries to 'soothe me' with pat off-the-cuff Bible verses, the hairs on my neck rise. I don't go to a church anymore. Actually, a lot of people who were acting as my good friends when I was in full-time ministry both in and out of the church now totally ignore me. It's not like a paranoia thing either - over the period of three years I have been snubbed, had phone calls and messages not returned from people I expected a whole lot more from. But - people are just people, like it or lump it. So, I've been forced to walk away from a whole way of living (that I know realise was totally false and empty - the church-stuff, that is).

Ex and I didn't have a huge fight nor did things get really messy or bitter - nothing like that. At first we decided and agreed together (with a marriage counsellor) that we needed some time apart to sort through our issues. When I did approach her to keep working things through with her, she'd already made up her mind that she didn't want to, and that "our relationship is finished." Easy as that. I had no say in the matter. Ex's a good woman, but as stubborn as a mule when she gets it into her head - when she sets her mind one way, there's absolutely no way to alter that mindset. And, so it was. There was nothing I could do to make her change her mind or see things in any other light - her mind was already closed. Within 6 months of our separation, she was already seeing another bloke. And now she's marrying him.

The boys think he's a nice guy (he seems to be), and I think it's great that they're all happy together. Ex is very possessive of the boys - there's no legal hassles or custody issues - nothing like that at all between us. I can see the boys whenever I want - technically. Although in practise it's only when it suits her, which drives me absolutely nutty. The boys miss me terribly, but Exs' stubbornness does not allow me the right to see the boys at their place at any time! Something has to always be 'organised' at a certain time and place, just so the boys and I can just hang out together! The spontaneity that we have always loved as being a unique part of ourselves has now to be a planned event. It's not the best, but it's what is happening, and I'll take what I can get. Hopefully when she settles down from her wedding and stuff, things might settle down a bit as well. Her husband doesn't have an issue with me (as such) being the boys' father... except that Ex's protectiveness prohibits me from actually meeting him! Isn't that ridiculous? He's met and even had meals with my mum and my brother, but not with me! Crazy $#ite! Well, that's just life. (Not as we know it, Jim... not as we know it...).

I moved to the Central Coast in the middle of 2002, because I was getting frozen-out of too many friendships here. People walking on the other side of the street and whispering behind hands - that sort of thing. But when I'd ring and try to talk to these same people, they'd say there's nothing wrong, and let's catch up sometime. When I'd try to arrange a time and place to do that with them, they'd beg off with some excuse. Once - I understand. But over and over again? It got too chilly to live in the same town with self-righteous a$$holes like that - I was still trying to recover from my second breakdown. The lies and gossip that went around I can actually trace to one church elder, who flatly denies it, but I know it was him. ^%$#@. Anyway, the 'grand experiment' of living away from 'here' lasted 12 months. Basically - I missed the boys too much. It's always about the boys. If I was shitty father (which even Ex acknowledges I am not!), I'd just piss off and live in Greece! But it's about the boys - I love them too much. They are an indivisible part of my life, and being physically separated from them is one of the main reasons my mental and physical health is sliding downhill at an alarming rate.

I'm just talking here, OK? I'm not looking for answers, I'm just talking and seeking a listening ear. This has been a lot of the way I've been communicating with some very good friends over the last few years, is by writing - just talking, letting off some steam, thinking as I talk as I write - however it comes out. These people I've known well now understand and appreciate that, and can see thru the smoke enough to see what's just huff and what's really elemental with me. That's fine. blah blah blah.

I mean, what I miss most in all of this is not having anyone 'here' to just hang out with. Someone to just bounce ideas off with, to laugh with, to hang out with. That's one of the hardest parts. Just having someone physically around to listen, not give answers, but just 'be there' to listen. That's all I wanted. But after Ex divorced me (in December 2002), that really ripped out my confidence in trusting other people too closely again. So, in many regards, that's one of the reasons why I write 'generic emails', because it's a way of not getting too close to people! hahahaa! Does that make it a bit clearer? " (nb. Italics are mine!)
It's interesting reading that again after a day or two of having sent it. That final paragraph sums it up in a nice way for me, I think. I always dreamed of having someone to grow old with. But now I'm not sure I have the inner self confidence to be able to trust someone that closely again! That scares me, too, feeling like that.
On This Day...
Births: Romulus, founder of Rome
Deaths: Jim Croce (1973)
Soundtrack: The White Album (Beatles); local AM radio.

Mal :o)
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell )

(*) Darwin stubbie

Have I ever told you (all of you out there listening intently with baited breath awaiting patiently... pmsl!) about my "Darwin Stubbie"? 'What the %$#@ is a Darwin Stubby, Mallard, you quackers?!" I hear you reply. Good question. A Darwin Stubbie is a really BIG bottle of beer, brewed and bottled in the Northern Territory of Australia. It's like an Aussie icon, altho it's rarely seen in these southern climes. How big is 'big', again I hear you enquire? Well, it holds 2 litres of NT Draught beer (4.9% alc/vol), is about 30cm (1 foot) tall, and weighs about 4kgs! That's for just ONE bottle of beer! Around the top of the bottle is embossed a water buffalo's head, complete with horns. I'd only ever seen one once before, and that was on the top shelf of a bar in town here back in 1983! Before then, the Darwin Stubby was somewhat of an urban myth, an enigma, a teenagers' fantasy. Like the one that got away...

Luckily, when my (ex) parents-in-law took their campervan up to the Territory a few years' ago, they brought back a few prezzies for people. Like 3 small bottles of the red sands from around Ayers Rock for the boys, things like that. Much to my surprise, this tall gift box was handed to me - totally unexpected, believe me. I opened it, and couldn't believe my eyes - it was a Darwin Stubbie!

Let me explain - you don't actually possess a Darwin Stubbie so as to drink it. You just have it to show people that you have one... they really are 'top shelf' kind of bottled momentoes! ("I'll put this straight into the pool room...") No-one believes you when you tell them about it - people claim to have heard of them, but because they've never (or rarely) been sighted in these parts, people assume you're pulling their leg. Voila! Upon producing the said monster beer bottle, a momentary lapse of silence followed by an intake of breath. "Look at the size of that thing!?!", together joined with much laughter. It's a silly thing to have (mine actually is still unopened in it's gift-box - as my bedroom door-stop!!!), but it's fun to pull out every now and again to give people a laugh!

My housemate had never even heard of it - until I showed the thing to her about 6 months' ago. She's an avid beer drinker - I mean, she tries out all sorts of different beers from across the world - her world-wide beer bottle collection here is quite remarkable ("I didn't know that country even brewed beer!"). So, she laffed heaps at the sight of this thing.

What does it taste like, as a beer? Well - who knows! Probably tastes like mud, if my guess serves me right. The whole concept of the thing is just it's pure novelty! Or - so I thought. In Darwin - and I've heard this from many and totally independent sources - the locals drink these things like the rest of us mere mortals drink a normal beer! Argh! The men are real men in the Territory! Gees, it's not as though I'm a big beer drinker myself (I'm not, really), but it's a very cool Aussie icon to own, all the same.

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Oi! Oi! Oi!

On this 'Thor's' day:
Births - Brian Epstein (Beatles' manager); Cass Elliott (Mumas & the Papas); Bill Medly (Righteous Bros).
Died - Gram Parsons 1973 (Byrds, Flying Burrito Bros).
Soundtrack - "Blonde on Blonde" Bob Dylan (1966).

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net

"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

(*) a nice call

I received a nice phone call from an old friend who lives in the Hunter Valley in NSW (west of Newcastle). We used to, ummm, date a bit back in the late 80's. But we've stayed good friends all these years all the same. She's happily married with three kids now. She read my previous post* and rang out of caring concern - wasn't that nice?! She rang at 8.30 on Saturday morning - amazingly I'd been awake for about 10 minutes already! lol. It was nice to hear a friendly voice on the phone. My emotions were still a bit mixed yesterday morning, so it was nice to have a friend call like that to see how I was doing.

They've been living in that nice part of NSW for a few years' now, and she told me they'll soon be moving into a brand new house! Wow! They're living in one of those old classic country homes - one with a veranda all the way around the outside, but unfortunately the owners have decided to sell up on them.

I've had two other very good friends move house in the last 2 weeks, one in south-western Sydney and the other in western Brisbane! At last report all seemed to have gone well for both families - clear weather, no rain - and they got the fridge on and the beet chilling pretty damn quickly, I'd say! lol.

I've been using this blog a whole damn lot lately, and that's OK with me. I've had one old friend say 'yuck' to the whole concept, but that's OK. (I think that person's response - someone I kinda look upto in a funny kinda way - caused me to respond with this** post) I'm comfortable with my blogging, so that's the main thing. I'm only sharing what's going on with me - and stoopid, bizarre and funny articles I find along the way - it's not as though I'm trying to write a novel or an autobiography or something! It's just a tool to let a bit of air out with. Unlike most people, I don't have very many close friends who are physically close by me (anymore), so I've found this to be a good way to 'talk' and even think as I talk sometimes. I still write emails to individuals, but sometimes it's just good to sit and write and keep the ol' brainbox ticking over, you know? I used to 'write' a lot a few years' ago. But, I know I've lost a lot of that in the past, say, 2 years. So, in one way, this is just another way of using a public forum to assist me get my writing 'back' again, in whatever shape or form that might later appear. Blah blah blah! I'd never even heard of 'blogging' before June (I think), but I've been writing long emails and sending them to many many people for about five years before now. So, doing this isn't like it's a brand new thing. I used to try and write a 'diary/journal' page with my homepage, but it was such a hassle to write and then edit and upload all the html code and stuff. This is just soooo much easier! Just write this (in particular) as an email while I'm offline, and just send it when I'm next online - too easy!

Well, I think I need to stop trying to justify myself anymore. That's crap, isn't it? I do this for me, and that's the only reason I need. Hoo-ray! pmsl! "Thus endeth the lesson."

( http://maljam.blogspot.com/2004/09/ive-come-to-huge-decision_16.html )
**( http://maljam.blogspot.com/2004/09/my-blog-is-crap-i-know.html )

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net

"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

Sunday, September 19, 2004

(*) My blog is crap, I know

So, my blog is crap, that's alright - I already know! But - I don't care if it's crap or not. It's just a space to rant and let off some smoke, you know? It doesn't come out pretty, literate, spell-checked, or even well spoken or even neccesarily thought-through. It's not meant to be 'literature'. Tough $#it! It's my little space, and that's fine with me. It's a place where I'm comfortable to take my shoes and socks off and rub them relaxingly into the carpet. It's messy, but it's homey too.

It's like I said the other day... this is like standing in the corner of a really large paddock in the middle of nowhere and screaming your lungs out, because unless someone happens to just casually stroll by (which is highly unlikely), it's not gonna hurt, affect or offend anyone. So - there! I like that analogy.

Some blogs are awesome. Cleverly written, well thought out, planned and implemented. Informative, insightful, illuminating. That's wonderful - and I congratulate them. This blog is just a place to air out my washing. Sometimes the sox are dirty and smelly. Sometimes the shirts are freshly ironed and neatly hung away. Sometimes it's too wet to hang out the washing, or perhaps it's too hot to face the sunlight without a pith-helmet. That's fine. I'm comfortable with it. I don't do this to please others. It's for me. If someone doesn't like the way I write or the format or whatever (the vibe, Mabo, the constitution...), that's fine with me. Go for it. I know this will not last forever, nor will it be kept for posterity. One day I'll be dead and all these words will be quite meaningless, because they are grounded in who I am, and at this point in time I am alive and a part of this place in which we journey. In a way i wish they could be kept for my boys for the future, for when they are 40, and might be able to glean an insight into why their dad was the way he was. sad. Unhappy. miserable. lonely. but so deeply in love and committed to being their dad that it hurts him every single second to be apart from them. and every day I have to keep living in that pain, unable to do anything to change it. I know my boys love me, but they don't know (really) how much their dad loves them in the whole totality of his being. Of course I tell them - every single time I see them or talk to them on the phone. But the bigger picture is that as I'm seperate from their day-to-day reality, i am just an exttra part of their lives, rather than an integral factor of it with them. And that hurts - that's the awareness I carry about with me every single day. And there is not a single day that passes without me thinking of my boys - where they are, what they're doing, who they're with, how their feeling, what they're thinking... if there's a supposed god-shaped hole in my life, it's not 'god', it's being serarated from my own children.

Oooooh... this is turning into a 3.45am essay, isn't it?! pmsl!

Anyway, that's what this blog is about, in part. It's a place to stand and cry out - sometimes that cry is happy, or joyous, sometimes sad, sometimes pathetic, sometimes quite loopy and absurd - it's quite alright, because they are all aspects of the one me. A whole made of many parts. A montage - a collection of differeing images that are shaped into one interwoven image.

Rest easy. Have a good nights' rest. Sleep and awake refreshed, enthused and motivated to take on the new day and kick its' arse!

Mal :o)

Cowboys one win away from Grand Final

Cowboys one win away from grand final
Saturday September 18, 10:53 PM

The North Queensland Cowboys have scored a historic 10-0 semi-final victory over the Brisbane Broncos to book a place in next weekend's National Rugby League preliminary final against the Sydney Roosters.

The Cowboys, who had never beaten the Broncos before the match, continued their fairytale finals run with an impressive display in Townsville.

The match ended Brisbane's season and the career of captain Gorden Tallis, who announced his retirement last month.

(Full story)

Saturday, September 18, 2004

(*) Stoopid Spam

Here's today's stoopid spam email:

Liquislim - Free 7 Day Diet Patch Sample
Start winning the battle against CELLULITE!
LiquiSlim™ is a completely transparent anti-cellulite slimming gel, in a LIQUID PATCH!

Another amazing magical pill that will solve all your problems. Email deleted and jumped up-and-down on, naturally!

Sweet, cute Macaulay Culkin...?!?

Macaulay Culkin Arrested on Drug Charges

OKLAHOMA CITY - Former child star Macaulay Culkin was arrested on drug charges Friday during a traffic stop, authorities said. The 24-year-old actor, best known for his role in the "Home Alone" movies, was taken into custody on complaints of possession of a controlled dangerous substance without a valid prescription and possession of marijuana, according to the Oklahoma County Sheriff's office.

Culkin, who lives in New York City, was booked into the Oklahoma County Jail and released after posting $4,000 bond, a jailer said.

Authorities confiscated about 17 grams of marijuana from a vehicle in which Culkin was a passenger. Officers also found 16 milligrams of prescription medications used to control anxiety and seizures, according to a police report.

Culkin was in a vehicle driven by a 22-year-old New York City man who was stopped for driving 70 mph in a 60-mph speed zone and for making an improper lane change. After receiving a verbal warning, the driver allowed police to search the vehicle.

Culkin told an officer there was $3,000 in a bag on the floor of the car. The officer opened it and found a clear baggie of what appeared to be marijuana, the report said.

A short time later, Culkin allegedly pulled another baggie out of his pocket that contained white pills and other medication. Additional marijuana was found rolled in a metal cigarette box, according to the report.

(*) Wedding Day

"Of all the love I have won or have lost
There is one love I should never have crossed;
She was a girl in a million, my friend,
I should have known she would win in the end.
I'm a loser,
And I've lost someone who's near to me..."

(John Lennon, 1964)

I was considering going to the wedding ceremony, and just sitting in the shadows in the backrow. not to see Michelle - not at all. But to see the boys walk down the aisle all dressed up to the nines! BUT - seeing Michelle getting married again like that would affect me in a way I'm not sure how I'd cope with... it would be like when I saw my father laying in his coffin. It wasn't a horrible experience (he simply looked as though he was asleep). I'm glad I did it, but in the long run, I wish I hadn't, because that's the last time I saw my dad, and that's a memory I can never get out of my head of him. So, I don't wanna have the visual image of her wedding day to play tricks on my brain either in the long run! Even tho I'm supporting and am trying to encourage them both (not that they ever acknowledge that!) I've been promised to see the photos of the boys all dressed up - but to be brutally honest, I'm not holding my breath. I've asked for and even taken photos myself of the boys over the past three years, but I have never ever seen copies of them ever. I've got copies of pics I got when we were first separated, but Michelle has never gone out of her way to make any photos of the boys available to me. There are no photos of me in their place (that I know of). She's done a great job of trying to erase my presence from out of the boys' life. I know she's convinced herself already that I no longer exist, because there's always a surprise in her voice when I ring to speak to the boys and she realises I am still here! Michelle's attitude towards me over the past three years has been one of masterful 'passive aggression', altho I doubt she'd ever accept that.

Sorry 'bout that! As someone said in the last day or so, if my emotions weren't running high at moments like this, then there'd be no blood running in my veins! (I paraphrase freely! lol).
"Of course your going to feel all of this, this week of all weeks. Its very natural and very normal. I would be worried if you DIDN'T feel all of the above.... this way we know there is still blood running through your veins man!"

I'm currently reading thru a book I borrowed from the library, about the legend of King Arthur. It's searching for the reality from legend and myth - it's very interesting. It's just one of those books (not too thick, beautifully illustrated with paintings from years' past) I'm reading a page or two every morning when I'm sitting at the table eating breakfast!

Another thing I'm casually reading lately is a bit about the American Civil War. I've been watching a DVD series about the Civil War by Ken Burns, and I've borrowed a few books with lots of pictures and info about the life and times of the soldiers who lived, fought, suffered and died during the whole horrid process. I remember having a picture book about the Civil War as a kid, and I guess it's left some kind of impression on my mind, because I'm still fascinated in the whole thing. Not in glorifying it - no way! It's just that I live in a country that's never really had a 'defining moment' like the US had in the 1860's. The closest thing we've ever had to a civil war was the Eureka Stockade, and even then the 'handful' of 'rebels' were disposed of quickly and ruthlessly. Aussies have spent their 200+ years trying to create 'defining moments' for themselves - convicts, the Bush, mateship, ANZAC, Australia II, Port Arthur etc etc etc. So, on that level, the whole concept of a nation of 30 million people in the 1860's tearing itself apart is very intriguing. It must have been a hellish experience for everyone - not just the actual soldiers. So many more died of disease than by bullet - most of them had never left home, and caught and died of diseases they'd never encountered before in their rural isolation, like measles and chicken pox etc!!! I'd never thought of it that way! It's been a real eye opener.

PS. I've tried to scan a pic of Josh that was in the local paper the other week, but I just couldn't get a good scan happening of it - bugger! hahaha.

On this day:
(*) Birthdays - Frankie Avalon, 1939; Greta Garbo, 1905.
(*) Died - Jimi Hendrix, 1970

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net

"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)

Friday, September 17, 2004

(*) A new neighbour

A new neighbour is in the process of moving into the townhouse right next door, thankfully. It felt a bit strange having the place next door empty. She's just a young adult (prob. at Uni here), and her dad's been helpoing her move her stuff in. So, it'll be good to have a neighbour nearby again.

(*) Battery arrives

The battery I ordered for my mobile arrived this morning. That was soooo easy! There's a part of me that expected to be ripped off or something - I'm always wary of getting stuff online. But, even though I checked it all out before I ordered it, I still feel a bit... I dunno, wary? Call it paranoia and be done with it! Anyway, the battery was the right one, and is sitting here charging as we speak. That'll help, considering the old battery would run itself flat after just 2 1/2 - 3 days, and that was when it wasn't even in use! So, I might be able to use my mobile properly again, rather than it being stuck on my desk almost perpetually plugged into the charger! lol. All the same, I only use the thing as a glorified answering machine, or send sms text messages to a few friends and the boys - that's about it. It's what I need, so I'm happy about it. It's an older model (about 5 years' old now), so it doesn't have all the bells-and-whistles of the latest models - you know, it doesn't percolate it's own coffee for you or anything like that. But it does everything that I need a mobile to do, and that's just fine by me. Thoon!

(See the previous posts about my battery here and here.)

I'm feeling a bit better after making my big decision yesterday. It's still a hard road to travel ahead, but it's a bit of a clearer road than the one I had been travelling on recently. It didn't mean I managed to get much sleep last night tho...

I'm giving the "Hendrix Live at Monterey Festival 1967" CD another blast as I speak.
"Great performance... caught at the festival at which... (he) made (his) national breakthrough... Hendrix gives what may have been his greatest show ever: the versions of 'Wild Thing' and 'Like a Rolling Stone' are everything they should, and could, have been. A lot more than just a memory here."
(New Rolling Stone Record Guide, p.599)

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell

Aussies beat Kiwis at cricket

Symonds leads Aussies into last four
Friday September 17, 02:29 AM

LONDON (AFP) - Andrew Symonds blasted a quickfire 71 not out as Australia beat New Zealand by seven wickets in the ICC Champions Trophy here at The Oval.

The win puts Australia into Tueday's semi-finals of the only major competition in world cricket to have eluded them so far where they will play either old enemy England or Sri Lanka, who meet in Southampton on Friday.

Symonds hit four sixes and seven fours in a brutal display of hitting and Damien Martyn added 60 not out. The pair put on 100 for the fourth wicket to chase down the New Zealanders total of 198-9 with 12.4 overs to spare.

Symonds came in with Australia 99-3 and immediately took the game away from the underdogs bringing up his half-century from 40 balls whilst Martyn was slightly more circumspect reaching his fifty from 63 balls with eight boundaries.

But the foundations of the victory were laid by the Australian bowlers with Glenn McGrath and Michael Kasprowicz outstanding picking up 3-39 and 3-32 respectively...

(Read the whole article here.)

(*) Some blog changes

I've made some changes to this blog. First up - the quote at the top of the page is now randomised. Every time you log on to the page again you should get a new quote. So click on the refresh button. Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!Click!Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! See, wasn't that fun? You get a new quote every time. Keep on clicking! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!Click! Click!Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!Click!Click!Click!Click!Click! Click! Click! Click! And before you know it, you're eighty three and your life has passed by and you're kids have grown up and left school and had kids of their own. But keep on clicking. Click! Click! Click! Click!Click! Click!Click!Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! And before you know it you're a drivelling senile 150 year old fool sitting in the seat in a nursing home, staring out the window while the bombs rain down around you and the 5th World War draws to its terrible conclusion, and all life is wiped out on earth, and the old bag next to you just wants to talk about how Spam tasted so much better in the 3rd World War. But keep on clicking!

...who said the computer wasn't fun?

(Thanx to TimT for the idea!)

Thursday, September 16, 2004

(*) Did you see the moon tonight?

Did you get a chance to see the moon tonight, before it set? It looked magnificent - it's just a new moon, and I love it when it's at this time of its' month. It seriously looks like a huge ball - 3 dimensional ball just hanging in the sky! I mean, I guess my brain has been programmed over my life to only 'see' the moon as 2 dimensional, you know - flat. But, when it's like this, it's so plainly obvious that it's round - like a huge ball (which it is, of course!) Well, excuse me for stating the obvious! I just love the way the moon looks in the evening sky at the moment... it's like every Pink Floyd or Yes LP cover rolled into one! lol.

I went for a huge walk this evening, just as the sun was setting. I'd already made a monumental life decision (see the other post), and I guess I just needed to get some big gulps of fresh air to set the thinking straight in my brain... something like that, anyway! Watching the sky change colour around you is always a mind-altering matter to me - I adore being part of it! And then having the moon float away above you as well... whew! Lovely. I'm feeling happy-sad at the moment sitting here this evening, with no-one to share my thoughts with, my hopes, hurts, fears and busted dreams. No one to put their arm around my shoulder and just listen. No answers, just listen. It's a 'tad flattening' to say the least! pmsl!

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell

(***) I've come to a huge decision

Because I know that no-one really reads this thing, I know I can say stuff and get things off my chest from time to time, without hurting or offending anyone. It's like yelling at the top of your voice in the corner of a really large paddock in the middle of nowhere... someone might just happen to stroll by, but it's not highly likely!

I'm pulling out of Uni. I'm withdrawing. It's not that I can't do the work - it's not that at all. If anything, the work is quite OK (common sense to me, most of it, from my experience). No, I've decided to withdraw because i just can't go one doing it externally anymore. i feel too isolated, unsupported, alone - I feel like I'm doing this without any good reason. I can't explain... how can I say it? "My mind's not right." I just can't keep up the internal motivation to keep it up week after week, with no feedback, support or any encouragement at all. I hate being a number. It's just really got to me over the last few months, and I've reached point where either i keep going and totally fail, or withdraw now, and have another go a little bit down the track.

So, it's back to work I go. I have only had one full-time paid job since I was separated, and that's over 3 years' ago! I've struggled with depression, 2 nervous breakdowns, and adverse mental and physical health as I've been stuck at home trying to find the motivation to study. But - I just cannot find the internal strength to keep going this way. I've got to get some normality back into my life again. All I want is a brain-dead non-thinking job for 6+ months, just to start paying off my farking debts, and try to get my head straight again.

I know a lot of this has to do with my ex getting remarried this Saturday. Deep down (at what I call 'Level 7'), it's the ultimate rejection that is still slowly destroying me from the inside out. Not only has all of this over the past 3 years' affected my mental health, but it's really starting to affect my physical health as well. I just need to go and hassle the local supermarkets to be a storeman or night packer or something like that. If I don't get a job by April, I will literally be bust. I will seriously have to consider claiming bankruptcy, and I do not wanna have to do that! So, all I want is a simple job to keep me regular and my brain occupied for a while, to get me back in circulation with real people in the flesh again. I've spent to much time stuck at home over these last 2 years' especially.

Well, I could go on and on, but I think I've got the gist and vibe of what's been happening for me down, even if it's clumsily and crudely expressed - I don't really give a hoot! lol I should send this now, before I change my mind and delete it or something stoopid like that. Like I said, nobody's gonna read it anyway, so in the long run it's still my decision that I have to make on my own.

I could go on, but I think I'd start to get too negative and inward looking and have those hopeless feelings overwhelm me again - and I do not wanna go there again! So, I'll end this here, on the up note that at least the immediate pressure of having to try and finish a degree I don't think is all it's cracked up to be will be removed for the moment. Day by day - it's back to that again. No, this is a big step - this is one of those bleedin' life-change situations. I just feel so $#itty that I'm having to go thru all this stuff when I'm 40, for goodness sakes! Shouldn't you go thru all of this life-stuff when you're in your twenties and thirties? Well - I had - but that was when i thought my life was headed in a certain direction and planned to a certain degree with someone else. I never planned or even considered having to live alone ever again, so it's still rocking me in a pretty unsettling way. Just when I thought I was going OK, too, damn it!!!

Enough! Enough!

Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Batman in Palace

A police officer, left, watches a protester dressed as Batman, right, who stands on a ledge at London's Buckingham Palace, Monday, Sept. 13, 2004, near the balcony where the royal family appears on ceremonial occasions. The protester was identified as Jason Hatch, 33, a member of the Fathers 4 Justice group which is campaigning for greater custody rights for divorced or separated fathers. (NB. A BLOODY GOOD thing to get behind, if you ask me!!! "Fighting for your right to see your kids!") No member of the royal family was at the palace Monday. Britain's Queen Elizabeth II was at her Balmoral residence in Scotland. Seen at rear is a Buckingham Palace official. (AP Photo/PA)
Jason Hatch, wearing a Batman suit, was taken into custody after scaling Buckingham Palace in London. Two fathers' rights activists who penetrated Buckingham Palace in central London dressed in Batman and Robin costumes were released on police bail, police said. (AFP/Nicolas Asfouri)

(*) Stoopid spam

Here's today's stoopid spam email I received:

Last chance to register for "Outrageous Customer Service"
The Secrets of turning one-time customers into frequent big spending clients for life. Simple easy ways to make your customers say WOW!... Book your place now as these seminars will Fill Fast ~ Australia Wide Tour...

Deleted - of course!

Mal :o)

(*) Some extreme silliness HERE!

Ever heard of Weebl? No? You WILL! Wanna have a laff and smile at some new silliness, then check this place out! DO IT! Go on, you know you want to...
Click this link to go and see for yourself and have a good laff! (http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk)

(Thanx so much to Third Daughter for alerting me to this madness! Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa!)
Mal :o)

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

(*) Wedding's on this Saturday

Michelle & William's wedding is this Saturday morning. I'm feeling fine about it - I hope it really goes great for them and is an enjoyable memory for them - good on 'em. josh is the 'Best Man' (or, as a friend suggested, 'Best Boy'), and Seb and Alex will be walking down the aisle with their cousins as 'Flower Children' (not, not dressed as hippies with kaftans and beads...)! Won't that be a sight - very very cute and memorable for them. I hope Sebbie manages to behave himself - he's got an amazing absurd sense-of-humour just like his ol' man... I hope he manages to keep a 'straight face' thru the whole thing! I know his brothers (younger and elder) will be keeping a close eye on him! pmsl!

Random thought - I was sitting up late on Saturday night (about midnight), watching the end of a DVD. My housemate came shuffling up the driveway after spending the evening out with her hockey friends. Well, it was funny to listen and watch her trying to get in the door, walk down the hallway, and attempt to make some toast - for the first time since I've been here (over a year now), she was absolutely legless! It was really funny to watch her bump into walls and slur her words! Luckily she's a happy harmless drunk, not aggressive at all - just LOUD! The more-amazing factor is that - she was out the front door at 7am the next morning for work - with NO hangover! I dunno how she does it! She's a moderate drinker (nothing dramatic, tho), and she never seems to be any the worse for it the next day! I just dunno how she does it! It's very funny to watch, tho.

Mal  :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell

(*) Another day

Ever have one of those days where you start off with the best intentions to start right, fresh and on-track, and by late-afternoon you realise you haven't even got near your target?!? Well, that was today. Oh well (deep sigh) - you win some, some get the better of you... that's OK. At least the washing's up-to-date, right?

Mal :o)
Message Board - http://malboard.cjb.net
Home - http://maljam.cjb.net
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell

Top Ten

Top Ten
A couple of years ago, one of our big chains of funeral directors compiled their Top Ten Funeral Tunes. They were:

Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler
My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
I Will Always Love You – Whitney Houston
Simply The Best – Tina Turner
Angels – Robbie Williams
You’ll Never Walk Alone – Gerry and the Pacemakers
Candle In The Wind – Elton John
Unchained Melody – Righteous Brothers
Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon and Garfunkel
Time To Say Goodbye – Sarah Brightman

From recent experience, I’d say that list hasn’t changed. It inspired me to compile Zinnia Cyclamen’s Top Ten Tunes That Are Completely Unsuitable For Almost All Funerals (Except Occasionally When Someone Has A Sense Of Humour Even Stranger Than Mine). Here's my first offer:

Burn Baby Burn – The Bee Gees
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes – The Platters
Killing Me Softly – Roberta Flack
Staying Alive – The Bee Gees
Funeral Pyre – The Jam
Light My Fire – The Doors
Buried Alive – Billy Idol
Dawn Of The Dead – Murderdolls
Satin In A Coffin – Modest Mouse
Another One Bites The Dust – Queen

(Thanx and apologies to Real E Fun!)

Monday, September 13, 2004

(*) My weekend

This is just a quick post... I'll re-write this properly in a day or two... i just wanted to get the points down!
Josh and I didn't end up doing the Edgell Jog Fun Run - half-an-hour before the start - it was sleeting! It was blinkin' freezing! A good call! Instead, I took all three of my darling boys to the movies. We say Disney's latest animated caroon, "Home on the Range". Not one of their best, but still the boys enjoyed it, which is the main thing. After missing out on last weeks' Fathers Day, they gave me a prezzie - a 2005 diary! Great! I spent a little time filling it in already, adding birthdays etc.

Seeing and just being with my three wonderful sons is like a refreshing medicine for my soul - really! It heals me to be with them. I feel whole being together with them too - and they love being with me as well. being without a car is such a disadvantage - I really feel discriminated against because my my limited transport options at the moment. I can't just pick them up and go to the park or just hang out with them for half-an-hour whenever... everything has to be 'orchestrated', and it can be a right royal pain in the butt, to be honest. My boys and I enjoy spontenaity, and having to plan a simple get-together takes the shine off that in many ways. But - I never ever knock back the opportunity to be with them, whenever I can. Like I said, being with them is like a good medicine. I know they love it too - it's not just me! lol

Mal :o)