Thursday, September 16, 2004

(***) I've come to a huge decision

Because I know that no-one really reads this thing, I know I can say stuff and get things off my chest from time to time, without hurting or offending anyone. It's like yelling at the top of your voice in the corner of a really large paddock in the middle of nowhere... someone might just happen to stroll by, but it's not highly likely!

I'm pulling out of Uni. I'm withdrawing. It's not that I can't do the work - it's not that at all. If anything, the work is quite OK (common sense to me, most of it, from my experience). No, I've decided to withdraw because i just can't go one doing it externally anymore. i feel too isolated, unsupported, alone - I feel like I'm doing this without any good reason. I can't explain... how can I say it? "My mind's not right." I just can't keep up the internal motivation to keep it up week after week, with no feedback, support or any encouragement at all. I hate being a number. It's just really got to me over the last few months, and I've reached point where either i keep going and totally fail, or withdraw now, and have another go a little bit down the track.

So, it's back to work I go. I have only had one full-time paid job since I was separated, and that's over 3 years' ago! I've struggled with depression, 2 nervous breakdowns, and adverse mental and physical health as I've been stuck at home trying to find the motivation to study. But - I just cannot find the internal strength to keep going this way. I've got to get some normality back into my life again. All I want is a brain-dead non-thinking job for 6+ months, just to start paying off my farking debts, and try to get my head straight again.

I know a lot of this has to do with my ex getting remarried this Saturday. Deep down (at what I call 'Level 7'), it's the ultimate rejection that is still slowly destroying me from the inside out. Not only has all of this over the past 3 years' affected my mental health, but it's really starting to affect my physical health as well. I just need to go and hassle the local supermarkets to be a storeman or night packer or something like that. If I don't get a job by April, I will literally be bust. I will seriously have to consider claiming bankruptcy, and I do not wanna have to do that! So, all I want is a simple job to keep me regular and my brain occupied for a while, to get me back in circulation with real people in the flesh again. I've spent to much time stuck at home over these last 2 years' especially.

Well, I could go on and on, but I think I've got the gist and vibe of what's been happening for me down, even if it's clumsily and crudely expressed - I don't really give a hoot! lol I should send this now, before I change my mind and delete it or something stoopid like that. Like I said, nobody's gonna read it anyway, so in the long run it's still my decision that I have to make on my own.

I could go on, but I think I'd start to get too negative and inward looking and have those hopeless feelings overwhelm me again - and I do not wanna go there again! So, I'll end this here, on the up note that at least the immediate pressure of having to try and finish a degree I don't think is all it's cracked up to be will be removed for the moment. Day by day - it's back to that again. No, this is a big step - this is one of those bleedin' life-change situations. I just feel so $#itty that I'm having to go thru all this stuff when I'm 40, for goodness sakes! Shouldn't you go thru all of this life-stuff when you're in your twenties and thirties? Well - I had - but that was when i thought my life was headed in a certain direction and planned to a certain degree with someone else. I never planned or even considered having to live alone ever again, so it's still rocking me in a pretty unsettling way. Just when I thought I was going OK, too, damn it!!!

Enough! Enough!

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"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." Robert Lowell


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Mal,
I have read your message and life is a bitch sometimes. But I want you to know that you canot escape the hand of the big fella upstairs. He still is interested in u and u must get to the bottom of yer barrel be 4 u c up.
Mate if u r interested in a c change may b there is sumthin that yooooou can b doin that is positive.
Why not do sum lookin up and ask.
If u r interested in that c change then come south with me 4 a while. may b the big fella will get your mind back on track. Proverbs 3:5-6

Hope 2 c ya soooon

September 17, 2004 7:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey it's Mia.... wanted to let you know that I read your post as well....

(((((((((((((((((hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))

Withdrawing is good if you feel like that, take some time to reconnect with 'people' all kinds of people...the ones that are warm when you touch them.....and as who ever the wise soul is before me suggested, Maybe its time to make peace with the big fella upstairs and see if he has any ideas about a sense of direction for your life???

Working yes even brain dead work is a great start. It will give you the feelings of immediate accomplishment again. Someone once said that we need short term, mid term and long term goals so that you are always accomplishing something. A uni degree is such a long thing, it is very easy to get lost within it, ESPECIALLY when you are doing it alone....

Of course your going to feel all of this, this week of all weeks. Its very natural and very normal. I would be worried if you DIDN'T feel all of the above.... this way we know there is still blood running through your veins man!

Your doing good, take sometime out this weekend to sit somewhere you love and reflect on how after 3 years your still connected with your boys, and love them dearly, you took the higher road and kept going even when the slog got hard, you decided to do something positive with your life by doing a uni course, and your going to do something positive by knowing when to rest when you need it... think about all the people who you are connected with and care about you... think about the re-establishment of family relationships and all the 'wonderful' things that have managed to bloom in the face of hurt and pain.

As for the depression........... I hear you there. Wouldn't dare to tell you to buck up.... it wouldn't help, wouldn't dare tell you to get over it, because you'd thump me, couldn't dare tell you to supress it, cause you'd probably get boils or something ;) the only thing that sees me through it is to find the light. Find the thing that you can hold onto in the midst of it all, for me it's God- for others its a many splendid things, and anchor yourself to that which you know is hope.

Anyway mate, your cared about, so don't give up, don't give in and don't surrender......



September 17, 2004 8:48 am  
Blogger The Dwarven One said...

The blog's good for getting things off your chest, isn't it? I find it's great therapy. If I didn't have it, I'd explode.
I've got an idea what you're going through, although I've never had an ex and I don't have kids to support but I have been in a position where I have felt nobody really gives a shite. Depression is my biggest enemy at the moment, and though at the mo I am keeping him at bay with music and working on the book, I know he's just around the corner waiting to mug me again.
I seem to go through disasters every five years - ten years ago I was coming to terms with not having a mother, five years I was looking down the bottom of an empty scotch bottle on a regular basis (not to mention of examining the cutlery in my place too often if you get the picture) and of course, this year I think you're quite familiar with - suddenly having no parents is a big, big change in my life.
But I'm still here. I'm still battling away, despite uncaring govt organisations and their lackey shop fronts disguised as Job network Members and the only thing that is keeping me going is that one day, this book will be published and then I can tell everybody to get stuffed. (Well, the uncaring and indifferent ones that is.)
I guess what I'm saying in this ramble is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've found it, and though it ain't too bright, it's there. Hang in there dude! Call me if you want to talk (did I ever give you my number? I'm sure you have my address.). The door is always open as long as I've got enough to keep it that way!
All the best!

September 17, 2004 9:48 am  
Blogger Zinnia Cyclamen said...

Hey Mal - sounds like a good decision. Degrees aren't all they're cracked up to be; connecting with other members of the human race, although not such a high-status activity, is much more important IMHO. And you ARE going OK, this is a wee blip that will ultimately turn out to be a positive one as you make the changes you need in your life. As we say in the UK: you should get out more! So off you go!! And best of luck!!!
Take care

September 18, 2004 1:53 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mal.
I dont get online much any more but i do read what you post.............if it isnt too late a bit of advice......dont pull out......deferr...that will give you some options dont the track.........have u tried to do it internally......that way u would have contact with ya class mates............3 of my best friends went back to u remember my friend from the room crash...she is one of them and is lovin it.
well good luck with the job huntin..........its a bugger at times but chin up and keep persisting.
take care mate.......all the best in what ever u decide...after all its ur life so live it too the ful
love Dee xx

September 18, 2004 11:26 am  

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