Sunday, September 19, 2004

(*) My blog is crap, I know


So, my blog is crap, that's alright - I already know! But - I don't care if it's crap or not. It's just a space to rant and let off some smoke, you know? It doesn't come out pretty, literate, spell-checked, or even well spoken or even neccesarily thought-through. It's not meant to be 'literature'. Tough $#it! It's my little space, and that's fine with me. It's a place where I'm comfortable to take my shoes and socks off and rub them relaxingly into the carpet. It's messy, but it's homey too.

It's like I said the other day... this is like standing in the corner of a really large paddock in the middle of nowhere and screaming your lungs out, because unless someone happens to just casually stroll by (which is highly unlikely), it's not gonna hurt, affect or offend anyone. So - there! I like that analogy.

Some blogs are awesome. Cleverly written, well thought out, planned and implemented. Informative, insightful, illuminating. That's wonderful - and I congratulate them. This blog is just a place to air out my washing. Sometimes the sox are dirty and smelly. Sometimes the shirts are freshly ironed and neatly hung away. Sometimes it's too wet to hang out the washing, or perhaps it's too hot to face the sunlight without a pith-helmet. That's fine. I'm comfortable with it. I don't do this to please others. It's for me. If someone doesn't like the way I write or the format or whatever (the vibe, Mabo, the constitution...), that's fine with me. Go for it. I know this will not last forever, nor will it be kept for posterity. One day I'll be dead and all these words will be quite meaningless, because they are grounded in who I am, and at this point in time I am alive and a part of this place in which we journey. In a way i wish they could be kept for my boys for the future, for when they are 40, and might be able to glean an insight into why their dad was the way he was. sad. Unhappy. miserable. lonely. but so deeply in love and committed to being their dad that it hurts him every single second to be apart from them. and every day I have to keep living in that pain, unable to do anything to change it. I know my boys love me, but they don't know (really) how much their dad loves them in the whole totality of his being. Of course I tell them - every single time I see them or talk to them on the phone. But the bigger picture is that as I'm seperate from their day-to-day reality, i am just an exttra part of their lives, rather than an integral factor of it with them. And that hurts - that's the awareness I carry about with me every single day. And there is not a single day that passes without me thinking of my boys - where they are, what they're doing, who they're with, how their feeling, what they're thinking... if there's a supposed god-shaped hole in my life, it's not 'god', it's being serarated from my own children.

Oooooh... this is turning into a 3.45am essay, isn't it?! pmsl!

Anyway, that's what this blog is about, in part. It's a place to stand and cry out - sometimes that cry is happy, or joyous, sometimes sad, sometimes pathetic, sometimes quite loopy and absurd - it's quite alright, because they are all aspects of the one me. A whole made of many parts. A montage - a collection of differeing images that are shaped into one interwoven image.

Rest easy. Have a good nights' rest. Sleep and awake refreshed, enthused and motivated to take on the new day and kick its' arse!

Cyalayta
Mal :o)

4 Comments:

Blogger Zinnia Cyclamen said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

September 19, 2004 5:41 am  
Blogger Zinnia Cyclamen said...

First of all, who said your blog is crap? 'Crap' is a relative value judgement that has no place in the world of blogging (except when used about blogs that really are crap, of which yours is not one, take it from me, I'm judgemental).

Second, I think you're wrong when you say that you're separate from the day-to-day reality of your boys. You are their Dad, for goodness' sake; you are always there in their realities even when you're not there in person; nobody can ever, ever take your place. Yes, OK, other people can give them presents, clean up their sick, take them out on trips, etc etc - but none of those other people are, or ever will be, their father. You are completely and utterly irreplaceable to those boys, and while I totally understand that it hurts like hell to be away from their day-to-day routines, you ARE an integral factor of their lives, and you always will be, even when you're dead.

Apart from that, I think you're absolutely right about everything! And I like your blog, it's refreshingly honest in a cyberworld of deception (said the pseudonymous blogger...)

Take care

Zinnia

September 19, 2004 5:41 am  
Blogger 3rd daughter said...

zinnia has pretty much said it all for me.
hey, my blog is crap and i don't care. there are some wonderfully witty blogs that i read and i wish i could write with the same or some sort of humour but i can't and i accept that. i started, and continue, my blog for my own enjoyment. i have made some lovely new 'virtual' friends and i know that if i ever visit the countries they live in, i will meet them in real time and if they visit oz, they will be welcomed into my home as old friends. enjoy your blog and if anyone tells you it's crap, that is their problem.

September 19, 2004 3:03 pm  
Blogger Ruby said...

Mal you kiss arse mate. Don't let anyone or anything tell you differently. As you said this is your personal space. This is for YOU. I have met a few people who jump from blog to blog just to judge. What a lot of crap. If they don't like what you write there is always the little red X button to their right.
Bugger them.
Hugs to you and keep smiling.

September 19, 2004 5:50 pm  

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