Saturday, September 18, 2004

(*) Wedding Day

"Of all the love I have won or have lost
There is one love I should never have crossed;
She was a girl in a million, my friend,
I should have known she would win in the end.
I'm a loser,
And I've lost someone who's near to me..."

(John Lennon, 1964)

I was considering going to the wedding ceremony, and just sitting in the shadows in the backrow. not to see Michelle - not at all. But to see the boys walk down the aisle all dressed up to the nines! BUT - seeing Michelle getting married again like that would affect me in a way I'm not sure how I'd cope with... it would be like when I saw my father laying in his coffin. It wasn't a horrible experience (he simply looked as though he was asleep). I'm glad I did it, but in the long run, I wish I hadn't, because that's the last time I saw my dad, and that's a memory I can never get out of my head of him. So, I don't wanna have the visual image of her wedding day to play tricks on my brain either in the long run! Even tho I'm supporting and am trying to encourage them both (not that they ever acknowledge that!) I've been promised to see the photos of the boys all dressed up - but to be brutally honest, I'm not holding my breath. I've asked for and even taken photos myself of the boys over the past three years, but I have never ever seen copies of them ever. I've got copies of pics I got when we were first separated, but Michelle has never gone out of her way to make any photos of the boys available to me. There are no photos of me in their place (that I know of). She's done a great job of trying to erase my presence from out of the boys' life. I know she's convinced herself already that I no longer exist, because there's always a surprise in her voice when I ring to speak to the boys and she realises I am still here! Michelle's attitude towards me over the past three years has been one of masterful 'passive aggression', altho I doubt she'd ever accept that.

Sorry 'bout that! As someone said in the last day or so, if my emotions weren't running high at moments like this, then there'd be no blood running in my veins! (I paraphrase freely! lol).
"Of course your going to feel all of this, this week of all weeks. Its very natural and very normal. I would be worried if you DIDN'T feel all of the above.... this way we know there is still blood running through your veins man!"

I'm currently reading thru a book I borrowed from the library, about the legend of King Arthur. It's searching for the reality from legend and myth - it's very interesting. It's just one of those books (not too thick, beautifully illustrated with paintings from years' past) I'm reading a page or two every morning when I'm sitting at the table eating breakfast!

Another thing I'm casually reading lately is a bit about the American Civil War. I've been watching a DVD series about the Civil War by Ken Burns, and I've borrowed a few books with lots of pictures and info about the life and times of the soldiers who lived, fought, suffered and died during the whole horrid process. I remember having a picture book about the Civil War as a kid, and I guess it's left some kind of impression on my mind, because I'm still fascinated in the whole thing. Not in glorifying it - no way! It's just that I live in a country that's never really had a 'defining moment' like the US had in the 1860's. The closest thing we've ever had to a civil war was the Eureka Stockade, and even then the 'handful' of 'rebels' were disposed of quickly and ruthlessly. Aussies have spent their 200+ years trying to create 'defining moments' for themselves - convicts, the Bush, mateship, ANZAC, Australia II, Port Arthur etc etc etc. So, on that level, the whole concept of a nation of 30 million people in the 1860's tearing itself apart is very intriguing. It must have been a hellish experience for everyone - not just the actual soldiers. So many more died of disease than by bullet - most of them had never left home, and caught and died of diseases they'd never encountered before in their rural isolation, like measles and chicken pox etc!!! I'd never thought of it that way! It's been a real eye opener.

PS. I've tried to scan a pic of Josh that was in the local paper the other week, but I just couldn't get a good scan happening of it - bugger! hahaha.

On this day:
(*) Birthdays - Frankie Avalon, 1939; Greta Garbo, 1905.
(*) Died - Jimi Hendrix, 1970

Mal :o)
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"If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train." (Robert Lowell)
"The Lord survives the rainbow of His will." (Robert Lowell)


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