Wednesday, November 10, 2004

(*) Alive... just

Thanx for your kind words of encouragement, ladies. It's been a very lonely, isolating and confusing week. I think I just need someone to talk to. After feeling really positive in the friendly relationship the ex and I have over the boys, she's changed her mind - again. This is going back like 2 or 3 years from where we were like then. It's bullshit, and I feel so absolutely frustrated, helpless, angry - and hopeless. All the work we've got thru together to make sure the boys are happy has gone to pot, because she's gone back on her word - again. Now it's getting near impossible to have a proper decent time alone with my boys anymore, and it's driving me really quite desperate with stress, worry, anguish and despair. 2 or 3 years' worth of building up a sense of trust and expectation that she was happy with the boys and I spending quality time alone together has gone down the shitter - just becaues she doesn't feel like it anymore. Bloody hell. It doesnm't matter what i do, it's never right or good enough. I'm really sick to death of it. It just goes on and on ad on. She plays me so well - she loves to do it. I'm just having a winge here, so donlt take it personally, OK? She loves to be in control, to have all the power, to humiliate me, to take away any sense of authority I have with my boys. Not that she'd ever admnit that. oh no. She really IS turning into her own mother - and that was always her greatest fear. She's so blind to her own quest to 'be in control' that she doesn't realise the damage she's doing to her own realtionship with he boys - by her passive/aggresive attempt to destroy mine. Aww, I'm just talkijng, and I know no one is listening, so this is a good place to just let off a bit of steam. Spelling mistakes, typos and all! hahahaa!

I think I'm at a point where I seriously have to consider seeking legal counsel and advice as to where she's taking things at the moment. She says 'no' more times than 'yes', and now she's not even allowing the boys to either come over to my place to hang out, or even ride in my car! Her reason? "I donlt trust you." When asked what specific things do you not trust me with them, she simply replied, "I'm not comfortable with it." Yes - it's all about her - not the boys. The boys want to come over here and hang out and play - they feel happy to do that. But she continually undermines my relationship as their father by disallowing them to be with me - in the way they have been doing over the past year+. For a year it hasn't been a problem, now she turns around and changes here mind with a 'I'm not comfortbale with it." Well - get used to it! It's gonna be more uncomfortable if we have to get a mediator in to see both sides of the case - if she's still unwilling to sit down and even listen to y side of everything. it's all abgout her, even though she continually uses the boiys as her excuse, her leverage, and her right - to do whatever she wants to do on any and every whim. It's just not right! I have rights as a father - and she even addmitted to me the other vweek that she doesn't think of me having the maturity of an adult! Argh! That's what i mean - she just closes her mind to anyone else but herself. And if anybody else comes along and tells her that she's not right - she just turns off. She shuts down, ignores them - and hopes they go away. I'm notm saying that just to be a nasty bastard. I've watched her do it again and again and again to over 10 people in the 10 years of our marriage - she just freezes people out. The problem is - she keeps forgetting that I just wonlt go away. If it wasn't for the boys, I would piss off and go and live oin the Greek Islands tomorrow. but - I LOVE my boys, and I need them in my life, and they need to know their father in their lives too, wether she accepts or admits that or not.

Sorry - I'm really crapping on and raving away here, aint I? Fairt enough - it is 3.15am in the morning... donlt you hate it when you're brain just wonlt shut off, and you just lay there churning churning churning over stuff over and over again... I really really hate it. Drives me potty. Really. I hate feeling like all this. I really really do. I had to tet up and knew I just had to start typing and talking intot he air... was thinking insane thoughts... writing final letters and shit like that. It gets to depressing thinging like that, so I had to do something else to think about something else. Blah blah blah. Donlt worry - even though I'm broke, unemployed with an $18,000 debt, because i love my boys I wonlt do anything silly to myself or anybody else!

I'm going to shut up now. I wonder how much of this gets back to my ex - I know I've had 'spies' and gossips from my old church tell her stuff waaaay out of context in the past. I know who you are too, RC, you two-faced bastard. Call yourself a church leader? How about someone who craves power! And will lie and gossip and destroy peoples' credibility so as to make themselves look and feel better. You know it's not tru, RC, donlt you? Or - did she get to you, too? (Ahh, listen to that raving paranoiac, will you? Doesn't know his arse from his elbow!) Sigh. No one cares.

I guess that's still the thing that has absolutely broken my spirit over the past 3 years. Going from having your life partner as your very best friend, to having that person turning totally around and saying "I wish you weren't..." I miss having someone here, around, just to be with. I don't think I can ever be in another deep trusting relationship again, having that trust violated and raped from me by someone I chose to willingly love thru thick and thin. Oh well - life sucks, and then you die, i guess! hahahaa!

Like I said - I HATE feeling like this. I abhore it. It makes me feel like absolute shite, and I hate feeling this way. I donlt know for sure if I can go on for too many years' feeling this way - ebbing and flowing from month to month from good to no so good. I know it's depression - believe me (if you would!), but I am a whole lot better than I used to be! It's not having anyone to share the life-journey with - that's so soul-empying for me.

Oh gawd - enough of this thick shite for one night! You poor buggers, having to wade thru all that 'blatt!" remember - donlt take any of this stuff as gospel - I'm just having a spitt...

Cyalayta
Mal :o)

4 Comments:

Blogger Zinnia Cyclamen said...

As we say here in the UK - better out than in. Sounds like mediation might help. The more inconsistent your ex is, the more your boys are going to need you to keep yourself as together as possible so at least they've got one parent they can rely on. Suggesting that you both seek support from a mediator is a very mature, adult act in this kind of situation. Might it also be worth seeking some kind of counselling support for yourself, so that you can discharge all the anger and frustration there, to help you stay more equable when you meet or deal with your ex? If she is into power and control, she'll be getting off on getting to you; you don't have to give her the satisfaction. Good luck.

November 10, 2004 4:04 am  
Blogger Mallard said...

Thanx Zinnia - and Sally too. I appreciate your level-headed wisdom. Like I said, that post was just a great big 'spit', and now having got it out of my system, I feel a whole damn lot better! Maybe nextime when i do something like that, I should issue goggles, so no one gets... eeewwww! hahahaa! omg... I'm cringing at my horrific typing in that lot as well... oh, can I use the excuse that it was like 3 or 4 in the morning at the time...? Thanx. Whew...
Cyalayta
Mallard d'Quackers :o)

November 11, 2004 12:21 am  
Blogger Ruby said...

MAL!!!
so good to see you mate. I am so glad you are ok.
A mediator is a great idea. We have had to use one a few times.
She sounds like a control freak. I have to deal with one here, My hubby's ex, so I can relate to all this very well. I am very lucky as my ex lives in Holland and I do not have to deal with any crap from him, but my hubby's ex makes up for all that!!!
The one thing that I found that works is to not let her know she is getting to you. They somehow feed on that. Using the kids as pawns and as a way to control any situation. Take care of yourself. Get that legal advice and look after number one. YOU!. While it is no comfort now, there will come a day where she will have no say in anything to do with your sons.
Although I am a woman I have seen time and time again the unfairness that fathers get regarding their children. I get so pissed off each time I hear it. Know you are not alone. That in the end your strength and love for your boys will win out over anything she does or says.
Wish you luck and thinking of you :hugs:

November 12, 2004 11:02 am  
Blogger Ariel Moon said...

my son grew up without his father. not my choice, but my ex-husband's choice. being a father to our son was just so inconvenient. he was too busy dating other women-- "moving on". and the damage it has done to our son is immense. even though he's a pretty tough young man of 18, i know it has done irreversable harm to his heart.

i wish you well during this very difficult time. your instincts to keep trying sound good. i wish my ex had cared enough to do half of what you're doing. get the mediation, the legal help, and support for yourself. you're not wrong, you're doing the right thing trying to keep your kids close to you... they need you more than you know.

one thing i remember from my mediation is this: you may not be related to your ex anymore, but your kids still are. the "ex" will always be family to the kids.

sounds like your ex-wife needs to learn that. like you said, you're not going away, nor should you.

November 14, 2004 12:19 pm  

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