Friday, September 03, 2004

Definitions of a 'bogan'

Dressed in a blue singlet and a flannie and stovepipe stretch acid wash jeans and a beanie and get you a funky mullet and go on Jerry Springer...

blackjeanus mulleticus maximus

  • First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Melbourne Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer suburbs) the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney), and the Bevan (Bribane).
  • It is believed the initial Melbourne population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Frankston and Dandenong. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Footscray and further Western regions. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early '90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Melbourne, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered.
  • Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.
  • Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called "ug-boots." While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds.
  • After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known "Taverns" where they consume large amounts of a liquid called "Bourbon." There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves in Melbourne's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated.
  • At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts by the Federal Government have included the development of a new artificial habitat in outer Melbourne named "Sunbury", but it seems this area may be too close to civilised air travel to attract large numbers of the species. More successful has been an enclosed breeding program in Canberra called "Summernats", which takes place annually at the National Exhibition complex in Watson. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality. Authorities recently introduced a V8 Supercar race with similar results, and have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief national visit early next year.

Bogan: A fascinating beast. The majority of the species are hideously repugnant and unintelligent, and yet they manage to breed in ever-increasing numbers and populate an area known as the outer west. It is quite common to find five or six offspring in each family group, often with a different father for each new baby.
Their habitat consists of a weatherboard or brick-veneer dwelling and is characterised by an early-model Holden or Ford in the driveway surrounded by a group of males discussing why the carby is stuffed and the results of last night's footy (a primitive gladiator-like spectator sport enjoyed by most bogans).
The female of the species, while smaller in stature, is far more loud and aggressive than the male. While the males tend to be very friendly and congregate with other males, the females spend most of their time in supermarkets and shopping malls, using a shrill high-pitched call to discipline their children and contact other females.
Males and females rarely interact socially except during breeding season, which is otherwise known as Friday night. During this time, females are allowed to enter the male-dominated area known as "the pub" and display their impressive coloured plumage to a prospective mate.
Herein lies an intersting phenomenon. Males will often fight over a particularly attractive female and she will mate with only one male, while some less attractive females have been known to have several partners simultaneously.

"An Australia who usually goes by the name of Gaz, Darryn, Bazza or something similar, with a keen eye for holdens, fords and pannel vans. They are usually found sporting a fannellette shirt, tight, black ripped jeans, moccissons or ugh boots and AC/DC merchandise. The drink VB and are fans of rock music which may be heard blasting out their car windows as they "cruise" around the neighbour hood late at night."

"Oi Shiela"
"Wadda ya want Baz?"
"Get us a packet of smokes and a nuva VB from the fridge luv."

In Tasmania, Australia there are 2 breeds of bogans, theres the typical male "aussie" style bogan: who wears "wife basher" shirts (singlet tops) with many torn holes, tight stone wash jeans or some other pants, usually either wearing one or tied around the waist or slung over there shoulder a flanelette (flannie) shirt or holden/ford tops, and a pair of old blundstone boots (blunnies) and usually drives and old Holden Commodore or Ford Falcon. And swear the faces off, usually every second word is f**k. And are commonly seen with a can of VB in there hand.
Then theres the 2nd type usually teens who are seen decked out in dada, wutang, fox racing, eminem plastic crap, and the baggy wutang, fubu, emineme brand etc jeans and usually topped off with a cap of some kind, thinking that they're so damn cool but they're not. The female version is jeans that are so tight like you would not believe, have their hair pulled back and slicked down with a whole tub of gel except for 2 front bits which are pulled out and are the same length as the rest of their hair (commonly called "bogan bits") and wear dada, wutang, fubu, fox racing etc, jumpers 10 times too big for them and wear whole stick of eye liner on each eye and way too much foundation and are seen pushing prams around followed by a colony of young children (all to differnt fathers).

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